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 AHGNHA AND TEA |
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mirah shmirah |
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Okay, so let's be honest. Very honest. Terrifically, fantastically, over-the-hills-and-through-the-snow-straight-to-the-moon-you-get-it-yet? honest:
I can't remember the last time I was this fucking terrified.
London is ... tomorrow, and dear God, I am so frightened. I know that this is going to be super, and I know that I'm going to love this semester, and once I get there it'll be fine and yada yada - but fuck is that hard to remember when I'm sitting here, surrounded by clusters of my life that i must organize and somehow manage to fit into one measly suitcase. What, what, WHAT! This is impossible. Ridiculous. AY.
In other news, I got a swell calculator watch. Boy, am I cool.
I was so excited, so blissfully excited, woe-less and worry-less and finejustfine up until today, and then- BAM!, it was as if the nervousness and fear and cold feet (cold, so cold!) and all, all, all were just waiting for the absolute worst moment to strike before they attacked full force. Suddenly, I was panicking and breathing quickly, prone to fits of tears, jittery, nervous, and absofuckinglutely petrified.
Again. I realize I'll be okay. More than okay - I know that this semester is going to be mindblowing, beautiful, supreme, like pizza, genius, gorgeous. Positive adjective positive adjective. But again ... it's just the here and now, the righthererightnow that is oh so, SO so scary.
What if? What if this, what if that, what if all the worst things and awful scenarios I've played out countless times in my mind actually come true? What if I hate it? What if I'm miserable? What if the Queen herself tells me England doesn't want me there? What if there's an outbreak of polio, or the world explodes, or I get so sick I have to return or turn into a giant bug or or or or or
Breathe in, breathe out. Ooooooohhh,aaaaahhhhh ... it'll be okay.
I have to go keep alternately packing, freaking, and attempting my hand at meditating to keep the other two actions from overwhelming me. Yes, yes, yes. Right.
There's no turning back now. Not that I really want to, really, mostly, sort of, maybe, but as the only way is forward, all I can do is step resolutely into the future.... right?
Right.
And, oh, erm - does anybody want a postcard, or a Brit? Just let me know.
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